Wife-long Affair

Pawan Verma

“Man is born free”, said Rousseau, “but everywhere he is in chains”. The tragedy of man’s eternal bondage, which prompted the French philosopher to utter these words, started with an act of God Himself, when He created Eve out of a rib of Adam, placed her in front of him and said, “Go and choose thy wife”. In recent times, God seems to have delegated His powers to Eve, who now decides everything on behalf of Adam. The other day, in a wedding, as the priest asked the bride if she accepted the groom as her husband, she said, “I do”. When a similar question was put to the groom, she promptly replied, “Yes, he does”.

Yet, it remains a fact that all men are not slaves, some are bachelors also. Those who are lucky in love remain bachelors, realizing that it is better to have loved and lost than to do home work with three children. The ordinary mortal among the men, however, keeps on chasing a woman till she catches him and becomes his WIFE, which is nothing but a euphemistic abbreviation for “Worries Invited For Ever”. It is indeed a pity that while a woman takes 20 years to make a man of her son, another woman makes a fool of him in 20 minutes and hooks him for a husband.

Ideally speaking, all marriages are happy. It is the living together afterwards that causes all the trouble. Before marriage, a girl gets into her fiancé’s wallet as a photo, but after marriage she gets into the wallet herself. As a result, marital life becomes a matter of wife and debt. I know of a friend who didn’t report the theft of his credit card to the police for the simple reason that the thief was spending much less than his wife. Unfortunately, such marriages are doomed to end in divorce. As he loses his capital, she loses her interest.

Yet, there are husbands who profit immensely from their marriage. Their wives, generally speaking, are generally speaking. Quite often, such a husband undergoes considerable intellectual growth after his marriage, as his wife gives him a piece of her mind every day. It is precisely for this reason that King Solomon, backed up by his 100 wives, was considered to be the wisest man on earth. Sure enough, he gave them the best ears of his life.

The essence of marital wisdom lies in the realization that women are always smarter than men : they have figures to prove it. Therefore, any man who thinks that he is smarter than his wife, would indeed be married to a smart woman. Wise husbands discover quite early in their marital career that “man” is only a part of “woman”, that every “madam” has an “Adam” in it, every “she” has a “he” in it and every “lady” contains a ‘lad in it. Such realizations help a man graduate as a “perfect husband” early in life, which in essence means developing a belief that one has got a “perfect wife”.

(First published in Times of India, Edit page, dated 16.05.2001)

My First Love

Pawan Verma

It was undoubtedly love at first sight. I fell for her at the very first glimpse. Draped in crimson red with a black top, she looked to be a thing of beauty, graceful enough to stir neighbors’ envy and owner’s pride. For a moment she made me intensely feel that she and I were made for each other.

And so there she was, at the very day at my house ending my six month search for her in the tiny little foreign island.

My neighbors lived up to their reputation. For, they would not approve of her. They said I had gone more for looks rather than for intrinsic worth. But as days rolled into months my love for her grew in exact proportion to my neighbors’ disapproval. She would faithfully accompany me to the office every day, would reduce my boredom on the 25-km stretch by singing melodious old hits. Off and on she would also tell me the weather forecast and read out the morning news. In the evenings she would accompany me to the innumerable cocktails and dinners till late in the night.

She made good friends with my wife Neelima as well, who learnt and perfected her driving in her company. My wife often remembers the afternoon when, on a driving lesson both of them chased a solitary middle-aged man on his moped, who, finding both of them uncontrollably behind him, plunged into the nearby field , got up and without looking back for a second, drove away in the reverse direction.

She was equally friendly with my two children, Shweta and Harsh. With her arrival their visits to the beach had increased as also trips to the ice-cream parlors. On the bumpy curvy road to the beach, while I would concentrate on the steering wheel, she would sing in chorus with my children.

But as months changed into years, age finally started telling upon her health. She could no longer take the strenuous routine of accompanying me to the office. So she would stay home and accompany my wife on smaller trips to beauty parlors etc. But, in spite of her failing health we loved her.

Finally came the time to part company. My three-year tenure on the beautiful island of Mauritius came to an end. Local laws would not permit me to stay there while Indian customs would not allow her to come to India. I spoke to my friends and neighbors, but they were unhelpful. However, with my wife’s tactful planning she got a place at another house.

Before parting, she gave me a beautiful gift. A tape deck-cum-tuner which now decorates my new car back home in India. But whenever I listen to its music, I travel down the memory lane, fondly remembering my first car – the lovely little Austin Allegro. Naturally so, she was my first love outside my marriage.

(First published in Times of India, Edit Page dated 08.03.1995)

Walk and Watch

Pawan Verma

ALTHOUGH I have been taking morning walks for ages, I have never been able to decide whether, while walking in a circle, it is proper to walk from right to left or left to right. While the great majority walks from left to right, I prefer to walk from right to left. Walking anti-clockwise does not make me anti-establishmentarian in any way. I also know that moving from right to left these days is sheer foolishness because the left is fast getting out of relevance now. My friends also tell me that in this complex world, quite often, left is right and right is wrong. Therefore, while in Delhi, I should do what the Delhiites do.

However, I prefer not to walk along with the large majority for the simple reason that with so many beautiful ladies walking around the circle, walking behind them always gives the impression that I am following them. Honestly speaking, my job requires me to be a leader of men. Hence, I think, it is unbecoming of me to start my day as a follower of women. In fact, it is a catch-22 situation. Since all of them walk at a brisk pace, if you happen to be behind them, you appear to be chasing women. If you are ahead of them, you appear to be being chased by them. Interesting propositions by themselves, no doubt, but I would like to leave these pastimes for my teenager son to pursue.

Walking in the opposite direction, no doubt, deprives me of the great fan following available on the other side. Yet, it does offer some definite advantages as well. Seeing all those beautiful faces twice in completing a round is not a small consolation. It could motivate one to walk faster to complete the round quickly. The consequent benefits to one’s heart and physical fitness are the other welcome by-products. In addition, one can also benchmark one’s speed against a fellow walker from the opposite direction. Every inch of space gained in a round can inspire one to walk still faster.

For those, who come to Rajiv Chowk at Connaught Place more for morning watch than for morning walk, it provides a spectacle of sorts. Apart from the morning beauties, you also have walk-enthusiasts like the power-walker who would be walking briskly even in the rain, with an umbrella. Then, there is this man and his dog, both pulling each other continuously. Sometimes, the man pulls the dog and, the rest of the time it is the dog which pulls the man. One wonders whether the man owns the dog or the dog owns the man.

But of all the morning walkers, I like the man with a walkman, who enjoys his musical walk, oblivious of everything else. I don’t envy him even a bit, since I walk with my own walk-woman, my sweet and lovely wife, Neelima. Short of singing to me during the morning walk, she does everything else, like updating me on the latest in neighborhood news, film gossip, political commentary, and the like. With such a sweet morning, who is afraid of the day?


(First Published in the Times of India, Edit Page, on 24.02.2001)

Angels in the Sky

By Pawan Verma

With the boarding pass in hand, I become complacent, assured of a seat on the flight. I forget the fact that this Air Mauritius flight from Mauritius to Singapore is heavily over-booked, mainly because of the sudden rush of tourists to Singapore on a shopping spree following the liberalization of customs duty by the Government of Mauritius.

But late-comers must suffer. As I enter the aircraft, I discover to my dismay that non-availability of any vacant seat in the Economy Class has made me an “outstanding” passenger. But the air hostess is helpful, “Let me find a seat for you Sir, in the Executive Class on the same ticket”.

She is back within a minute with bad news for me, “Unfortunately Sir, both the Executive and the First Class are full. But the Pilot has offered that you could travel in the cockpit if you find it convenient.

The first fifteen minutes in the cockpit are full of the excitement of seeing the plane fly. I become part of the flying crew and switch on some of the knobs located on my side. But once the plane is horizontal in the sky, the excitement peters off as nothing happens thereafter. I am gradually overpowered by loneliness and frustration and desperately wait for the seven-hour flight to end.

I look back from the cockpit door and exchange glances with the two gentlemen, sitting on an exclusive sofa, separating the cockpit from the First Class. I learn from the Co-Pilot that they are the Airline’s Resident Managers at Bombay and Singapore. Looking at them a thousand thoughts keep creeping in my mind about the hollowness of the airline’s claims of customer friendliness.

My frustration increases as I discover that both the wine and the women – I mean the air hostesses – come up to the sofa, but dare not cross the “Laxman Rekha’ to enter the cockpit. As I resign myself to my fate and the two oldies, in the semi-darkness of the cockpit, a beautiful angel appears from nowhere and whispers soothingly in my ears, “Sir, our Resident Manager at Nairobi is travelling in the First Class and having come to know that one passenger is travelling in the cockpit, has offered to exchange his seat with yours.

I couldn’t have asked for anything better. My admiration for the airlines swells up. As I enter the First Class, the beautiful air-hostess offers her scarlet smile with a compelling request: “May I take off your jacket Sir?”
I accept the smiles and give her the jacket. What follows is royal treatment – pizzas and pastries, sherry and champagne included.

As we close-in on our destination, the pretty air hostess is back to me with a bewitching smile and a trayful of exotic perfumes. Anticipating the high cost of shopping in the air, I show my reluctance. Undeterred, she gracefully settles down on her knees by my side on the carpeted aisle, her scarlet scarf gently caressing my bare hands. My sales resistance is immediately lowered at the soft touch and I flatter her by saying, “Give me the one which you are wearing”.

‘Oh, that’s Nina Ricci Sir. One can never go wrong with this.’

On my return, I present the Nina Ricci to my sweet and lovely wife at the airport itself. Knowing my naiveté at the exotic extravaganza, she teases me with a meaningful smile, “The angel who sold you this must be extremely beautiful.”
“Sure, she is”, I confess.

This brings to a happy end a journey well undertaken. But lighter side apart; although I am myself on a marketing assignment in a service industry, these angels in the sky have taught me something on customer care and friendliness, which is worth thousands of seminars and conferences.
(First Published in Hindustan Times dated July 22, 1996)

The Ad Mad World

By Pawan Verma

Competition in the market place is fast changing the face of the Indian life insurance industry. Gone are the days when you could find an insurance agent with his hands in his own pocket. Being an industry insider, I am also aware of CEOs whose eyes earlier sparkled talking about plunging necklines and rising hemlines. Today, they have all developed hazy eyes and long faces, all the time brooding over plunging top lines and rising solvency margins.

During the earlier decades, competition was best reflected by the Cola companies and their cola wars. But, the new century belongs to the insurance companies and their Ad wars. And it is not the meek and the humble who will inherit the earth, but the ones who make the most noises, grabbing maximum mind share, but incidentally, at the same time, making life difficult for the industry regulator.

For a student of marketing, it will be quite interesting to research a topic like, “Insurance Ads ke Side Effects”. One may not be sure how much the sale of its insurance policies went up when a company stormed the print and electronic media with its Ads for Instant Insurance, but, we all know that the sale of instant coffee and instant food like burgers, went up drastically during the period. Likewise, the Viagra producers were the happiest lot, when a company advertised, “Always Up Never Down”, obviously referring to its investment returns.

However, this is just the trailer. As the industry moves on and competition gets tougher, the fight for customer mind share is going to be more intense and the voices more shrill. No longer are the Ads going to be simple and innocent, like, “Jeete Raho” or “Life mein hamesha rahen taiyar”. There is definitely going to be more spice and action, pricks and punches in the Ad speak of the companies.

Consider, for example, this sample of a future Ad war and judge for yourself :

Company A comes out with a tried and tested Ad line : “We cover your risk from Life to Death”
Company B would try outdoing it : “We take care of you from Cradle to Grave.”
Company C will further expand the scope of cover : “Risk covered : from Womb to Tomb”
Company D would apparently have the final word, “We cover your risk from Sperm to Worm”.
But if you thought that this could be the last word on the subject, you are mistaken. Company E would expand the scope further and announce, “Risk Insured – from Erection to Resurrection”.

So what, you would say, the General Insurance industry is already having an Erection All risk Policy and it is doing well in the market. But no, my dear, life insurance is different. I am afraid, the industry regulator would have a tough time, working overnight, watching the promise and the performance.

The Reincarnation Time

By Pawan Verma

The only time I believe in reincarnation is at 5.00 o' clock in the evenings, when all the dead people in my office come back to life. It is an everyday experience that when they come to work in the morning, the body enters the building, but the soul stays away. The body, thus lifeless during the day, joins the soul only in the evening, and hence the rejoicing at the reincarnation.

After the day-long separation, the eagerness of the body to meet the soul waiting outside, has to be seen to be believed. Although an avid watcher of the body and soul union scenes for the last 15 years, I could appreciate the intensity of the jubiliation only last month, when there was a practice fire drill in my office. On ringing the fire alarm bell, the 210 employees evacuated the two-storey building in three minutes and 15 seconds. But the same evening, when time was clocked, the building was cleared in exactly two minutes.

The service industry I am working in, is undergoing customer-orientation these days. Unlike in the past, the customer is always right now and he is the focal point of all business activities. Such an attitudinal changeover, however, is not an easy process, as I recently learnt in a State Government emporium, which is also writhing in the throes of a similar transformation. The agony in the voice of the angry sales girl said it all when she scolded a harassed lady customer, "Go easy, madam. The days when I used to insult customers are still fresh in my mind."

Having been rule-centric for ages, it is not possible for public sector companies to become customer-centric overnight. A friend of mine recalls an episode, when a customer had problems claiming his monthly pension which had been in arrears for two years. While his current year's payments were settled, those for the previous year were withheld since he had not submitted existence certificate for the previous year.

But it is not always the rules and the manuals which create the problem. Sometimes, it is the customer too. I witnessed an encounter that my friend had with an important NRI customer, who had come to discuss the prospect of raising a housing loan. My friend, the housing finance manager, enthusiastically explained the details. But, the NRI was not impressed. In his newly acquired anglicised accent, he asked, "So I have to mortgage the plot to you? What for? What for?"

"That will be security against the loan, Sir", said my friend.

"And you want me to mortgage my building and my insurance policy?

"Funny !" , he continued, "Just for a loan you'll mortgage my plot, building and insurance policy. Thank God, you didn't say you will mortgage my wife as well."

At this point, the reticient office Assistant could not restrain himself,

"Sir, for executing the mortgage, we will accept your assets only, not your liabilities."

(First Published in the Times of India, dated 20.07.1995)