Playing the Game

Pawan Verma

The atmosphere in the room was tense. The minister for sports and youth affairs was in her chair looking pensively at the wall. No, she was not brooding over the rumors surrounding her. Whosoever is in the change of youth is bound to have affairs, she had earlier argued to herself sportingly. Today she had a different agenda. Peeved at the dismal performance of the Indian cricket team in Sri Lanka, she had summoned the chairman and secretary of BCCI for a hard talk.

Minister: I regret to tell you that I am thoroughly disappointed with the performance of the Board. Apart from playing politics, all of you must play some cricket also.

Jaywant Lele: Take it easy, madam. As you try to bring politics in sports, we bring sports in to politics. We are working for common ends.

Minister: Listen gentlemen, I am talking about performance. For all the fortune spent on tours and entertainment, you have not been able to develop a good cricket team. Tell me, why your boys start choking when the time comes to perform. Where are the bottlenecks?

JL: Madam, in most bottles, the neck is at the top.

Minister: You don’t get me. I mean, you haven’t been able to develop a team capable of consistent performance on the field.

A C Muthiah: I can accept any charge except this one. Look at our team’s performance. We have been quite consistent in losing matches. We have been losing them under different captains and coaches. Can you beat it? We go to eight consecutive finals over four years and consistently develop cold feet and weak knees out in the field. The problem is not with our cricket, it is with our knees.

Minister (Musing to herself: The fellow does make sense. The knee problem did surface even during Pervez Musharraf’s visit. Our media developed weak knees before the General). And then says: Knee, knee, I mean, no, no, our players need to develop some team spirit…

J L: Team spirit? I bet, you and me can take a lesson or two from them in this respect. Look at the way they sink or swim together. If one batsman succeeds all others succeed. If one fails, all the rest follow him to the pavilion in quick succession. Win or lose, they all stand united.

Minister: But you must do something to lift their individual spirits…

J L: Madam, You only need to see our players the night before a match. They are all in high spirits. So much so that they all become spiritual on the match day --- just do your duty and leave the results on God.

Minister: That’s it. Keep it up. Further, as minister for sports. I would like to make two suggestions for improving the team’s performance. First, give the boys a regular does of saffron particularly when they are playing in the neighborhood. It will give them strength and stamina to fight weak knees. Secondly, advise the captain to challenge the umpires more often. When the captain gets fired, his boys get fired up and win the match. Thank you, and best of luck.

(First Published in the Times of India, Edit Page, dated Jan, 12, 2002. It was written when Ms. Uma Bharati happened to be the Minister for Sports & Youth Affairs)

Tax Indiana

Pawan Verma


DEAR Finance Minister,

OUR democratic nation’s greatest virtue is that every little boy, no matter how humble his circumstances, can rise in life to become a taxpayer. It is admirable that you recognize this potential, while presenting the Union Budget; and assure citizens that of their earnings during the year, a small portion belongs entirely to them. We are grateful to you, Sir, that in keeping with this noble tradition, this reassurance has been provided to us this year also.

It goes without saying that for the great majority of us, who remain too busy with our mundane work to contribute anything to the nation, taxation provides the ideal opportunity to do something patriotic. It gives us a chance to work and earn for the government without passing the civil services exam. It also serves the cause of social justice as it enables those who work, to pay those who don’t; and those who earn, to pay for those who can’t. In fact, other than death if there is any leveler, it is taxation alone, the only difference being that death does not kill in installments and it does not become worse every time parliament meets.

Of course, there are a few amongst us who like the Americans, resent paying high taxes. As you know, for an American, even the three stripes in their national flag – red, white and blue – have connections with their taxes. They get red when they think about them; white, when they get the bills; and blue, when they fill in the returns. And they see stars when they pay their taxes. Nearer home, in our national flag, saffron teaches us renunciation of all our wealth and possessions; white encourages us to lead a simple life; and green symbolizes our happiness as something is left to us after paying taxes. The only difference is that instead of seeing stars, our head spins like the chakra after paying tax.

But, I can assure you Sir, that this apathy to taxation is true of only a small minority. The majority of us take pride in paying high taxes. So, irrespective of what others might say, I hereby offer a few suggestions to improve our taxation system.

First, every family should be encouraged to have at least three children. On growing up, while the two would pay the taxes, the third could support the family.

Secondly, although you have so generously ensured that our entire gamut of life is adequately covered by taxation, one important area, inadvertently left untaxed so far, needs your urgent attention. Hence, I recommended the introduction of a new tax, namely the Valentine Tax, whereby every married couple, who make love to each other, should be taxed. I am certainly not advocating a case for taxmen prying into our bedrooms. I have a more foolproof system. The couple should be taxed every time they are blessed with a child.

I assure you, dear Finance Minister, no man worth his salt, will evade paying taxes on the pretext that it was not his doing.

(First Published in The Times of India, Edit Page, dated 23.03.2000)